When “Not My Type” is the Right Type

If you’re still single, perhaps it’s time to consider that “not my type” could be the right type for you.

We all have a list of preferred qualities in a romantic partner. Over time, that establishes our type. But if your dating life feels like a revolving door, perhaps it’s time to mix things up.

Kelleher’s director of matchmaking, Kimberly Colgate, says, “Humans are creatures of habit. We unconsciously go for what is comfortable, familiar, and fits within our social construct – no matter if it’s working for us.”

As matchmakers at Kelleher International, one of the first conversations we have with clients is to explore the type of partner they’re seeking. It helps us begin the search in a targeted way. But from there, we follow our matchmaking intuition.

Everyone has a general physical type they’re most attracted to as a partner.

Whether that’s preferring the man is taller than you or the woman is petite or they have a particular hair color or skin tone or physical characteristics. These physical traits become the knee jerk reaction for someone’s immediate attraction to a potential mate. Or on the flipside, discounting a possible match because they are “not my type.”

Personality type is equally as crucial to singles as physical type, but probably more important in the grand scheme of things.

Perhaps you gravitate toward engaging extroverts or creatives or someone with a sunny disposition. Maybe it’s someone in a leadership position who can command a room or get things done. Or someone incredibly nurturing and family-oriented.

Kimberly adds, “We often associate a “type” of person with a personal experience. For example, say a bald, Jewish, finance-guy burned you in a previous relationship. You might have a natural urge to never date a bald, Jewish, finance-guy ever again. Rather than typecasting future matches, the healthier move is to review the attributes and qualities you were attracted to initially. And then examine why that specific relationship didn’t work on its own merit.”

Consider the distinct characteristics you crave in a partner. At some point, that persona of your future mate can get in the way of you finding someone amazing in the present moment. And that’s why we encourage our clients to not judge a book by its cover. Consider saying “yes” more than you say “no.”

At Kelleher Matchmaking, we believe there are a few distinct benefits of retiring the “not my type” adage when it comes to finding love.

“Using the “not my type” crutch can work against you,” explains Kelleher’s CEO, Amber Kelleher-Andrews. “Our goal is to get you out on dates to explore a variety of personality types we believe might mesh well with yours. I find that when a client finally lets go of their overly rigid list of must-haves, their mind expands as much as their new dating pool does.”

Kelleher matchmaker Nancy Shea shares a recent example of this very idea.

“We don’t want clients making that quick “not my type” judgment, so we strategically don’t share images pre-date. That and because it’s too easy to go online and spoil the spontaneity of meeting someone for the first time,” Nancy explains. “We describe the person using our words. We paint a mental picture of the potential match, and then the singles take it from there.”

On the post-date follow-up call, Nancy’s client found herself in unfamiliar waters. She’d so adamantly thought her type was tall, white, and handsome. 

“My client hadn’t considered anything outside of that singular romantic type. But she reported having an amazing date with this eligible bachelor of Middle Eastern descent,” says Nancy. “She admitted she would’ve claimed he wasn’t her type and never gone out with him before. But in reality, felt a strong attraction and was thrilled for their upcoming second date.”

The moral of this story is don’t limit yourself with judgmental thinking. Allow yourself the space to be pleasantly surprised by whoever you meet on your journey to finding the one.

Kimberly adds, “I have similar experiences of clients’ surprising magnetism to someone they would have never given a second glance. These types of attractions are based on the unseen – factors beyond romance – and can yield the most durable bond.

This notion drives me to connect deeper with clients to uncover the personal truths of their search for partnership. Often it is not about surface attributes, but rather a more profound emotion that these attributes ignite.”

Another benefit of breaking out of the “not my type” mentality is the chance to break bad relationship patterns.

If you consistently stick with a specific physical and personality type, you might find yourself repeating the same relationship story over and over – and not in the fairytale romance sort of way.

“The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results,” says Kelleher International founder, Jill Kelleher. “If you’re tired of ending up with the person who’s afraid of commitment or you’re exhausted from being a fixer, stop and consider a different approach to finding love.”

Maybe you don’t know the difference between “not my type” and the right type after all. And that’s okay! It’s difficult to break out of old, comfortable patterns even when they aren’t serving you anymore.

As matchmakers, we enjoy cracking the puzzle with you. At Kelleher International, we’ve spent over thirty years helping singles push beyond their dating comfort zone and reevaluate their type. 

There’s an art to making love happen.

Perhaps you’ve never thought you were the type for matchmaking either. If you’re ready to challenge that idea, we encourage you to learn more about Kelleher’s executive matchmaking services. In the meantime, if you have questions for our matchmakers please leave a comment below. We’re here to help you get ready for love!