By Danielle Andrews
There is nothing outside of yourself. Look within. Everything you want is there.
Rumi
Loneliness can bring an unhealthy kind of wanting. When you’re feeling lonely, almost any spark of connection or appreciation can feel like fireworks. A flirty text at 11 p.m. feels like devotion. A decent conversation feels like chemistry. A person who simply shows up feels like a miracle. The problem is that loneliness doesn’t just make us strive for connection; it quietly lowers our standards, dulls our instincts, and makes us worse at judging whether the person in front of us is actually good for us.
There happens to be a loneliness epidemic currently, so ironically you wouldn’t be “alone” in this dilemma. And it’s a perfectly natural response when you’ve been walking through an arid desert to want to drink from the first well. The need for connection is one of the most human things there is. But wanting it badly, and wanting it now, affects how we date.
Here are three of the most common mistakes people make and how to avoid them.
1: Ignoring Incompatibility
Lack of Compatibility isn’t always as easy to recognize as one would think. It shows up in small, easy-to-dismiss moments: he talks over you, she’s vague about whether she wants kids, he’s dismissive about your career, she’s cold when you share something vulnerable. When we feel secure, we notice these moments and weigh them judiciously. When we’re lonely, it’s easy to explain them away.
He’s just nervous. She’s had a long week. Every relationship has some friction.
Sometimes a little forgiveness is warranted. But loneliness tilts the scale. The cost of acknowledging a red flag isn’t just losing a potential partner; it’s returning to the quiet apartment, the empty weekend, the sense that you’re back at square one. So the mind does what minds do under emotional pressure: it protects the hope by editing the evidence.
The tell-tale sign is that you find yourself building a case for the relationship rather than evaluating it. You list the person’s good qualities while avoiding a clear look at the dealbreakers. You tell friends, “It’s early, we’ll figure it out,” about things that don’t tend to figure themselves out, such as core values, lifestyle, or whether someone is emotionally available at all.
Differences in taste are workable. Differences in fundamentals, like how you handle conflict, what you want your future to look like, and how you treat other people, are not things that affection alone can resolve. If you’re ignoring a mismatch because acknowledging it would keep your status quo, that’s a sign worth noting.
2: Settling Too Easily
There’s an important distinction between being realistic and settling. Being realistic means understanding that no one is perfect and that a good relationship involves a little compromise. Settling means accepting less than you actually deserve because you’re afraid nothing better is coming.
Loneliness lends a powerful temptation to settle, because it makes the present feel unbearable and the future feel uncertain. In that state, “good enough” starts to sound like “great.” You say yes to the second date with someone you felt lukewarm about. You stay in a relationship that’s pleasant but hollow. You accelerate things too early, meeting the parents, talking about moving in and labeling it official, not because the relationship has earned that status, but because the intensity feels like relief.
That momentum can be seductive. When we’re lonely, we often mistake relief for compatibility. The grateful feeling of “Sigh, I’m not alone anymore” is so strong that it reads like: “This person must be the one.” But the feeling of relief is a solo realization; the feeling of compatible connection is something you share between the two of you. Someone can end your loneliness without being someone you’d choose if you weren’t lonely at all.
Ask yourself this question: “If I were completely content with my life right now, would I still be excited about this person?” It’s not a perfect test, but it separates genuine interest from the desire to simply not be alone. If the honest answer is “probably not,” you might want to take a step back.
Settling also carries a cost that isn’t obvious at first. Staying in a relationship that doesn’t fit can lead to unwanted conflict and different kind of frustration of not been fully understood or seen.
3: Chasing Unavailable People
This one is the most counterintuitive. You’d think loneliness would draw us toward people who are eager and ready. Instead, it often pulls us toward the emotionally unavailable: the person who’s recently out of a relationship, the one who’s “not looking for anything serious,” the one who leads you on with no interest in a long term commitment.
Why? Part of it is that unavailable people offer a kind of intermittent reward. A cheerful message after days of silence lands harder than steady affection ever could. When you’re lonely, those bursts of attention feel like proof that connection is possible, and you keep chasing the next one. Psychologists have long observed that unpredictable rewards are more habit-forming than predictable ones, and a hot-and-cold dynamic works exactly that way.
There’s also the matter of safety. If you’re lonely and afraid of being hurt, an unavailable person can feel strangely comfortable. You get the sensation of longing, of being emotionally engaged, without the real vulnerability of mutual commitment. The relationship stays in the realm of potential, where it can’t truly disappoint you. You’re pursuing connection while unconsciously guaranteeing you won’t fully receive it.
And sometimes, familiarity plays a role. If past relationships, or even early family dynamics, involved having to work for affection, then effort-heavy, uncertain love can feel like normal, even like chemistry. Calm, consistent interest from someone available can feel boring by comparison, when really it’s just unfamiliar.
“The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself.”
Anaïs Nin
How to Protect Yourself and Still Engage
Recognizing these patterns is half the work. The other half is changing the conditions that feed them.
Build connection outside of romance. Much of the desperation in dating comes from asking one person to solve the entire problem of loneliness. Friends, family, community groups, hobbies, and volunteering all spread the weight. The more your emotional needs are met elsewhere, the less any single person has to carry.
Slow down on purpose. Deliberately take things slowly. Give yourself time between dates to check in with how you actually feel.
Write down your non-negotiables before you meet someone. Do it when you’re calm. Then, when you’re feeling lonely and tempted to rationalize, you have a record of what you decided when you were thinking clearly.
Notice patterns, not just people. If you keep ending up with unavailable partners, the common denominator isn’t bad luck. Consider talking with a therapist who can help you untangle why.
Recognize loneliness as a temporary, fixable time in your life
Take back your power and realize that you can take control of how you view being alone. You can be your own best company and then invite others in to share in the things that you enjoy doing on your own. Recognize that you need more connection in your life, but that you are willing to wait to find the right people who make your life brighter, not more stressful.
A Gentler Way to Look at It
Loneliness expresses the pain of being alone, and solitude expresses the glory of being alone.
Paul Tillich
In Pyschology Today, John Kim writes, “There’s a difference between the feeling of loneliness and ‘I am lonely.’ One is an experience, a feeling that comes and goes. The other is an identity, tightly tied to your sense of worth.”
Be kind and compassionate with yourself and find ways to feed your own inner peace. Solitude can bring great insights and wisdom that will be an asset that you can share with those who are willing to sit down and truly listen to what you have to offer.
When you’re more content with being alone, you get better at seeing clearly. And clarity is what will help you find the kind of love that you’ve been deserving all along.
Of course our talented, compassionate matchmakers here at Kelleher can help take the pressure off by doing the hardest part for you! And don’t worry, our relationship coaches will help you meet the moment with your best self. Give us a call!
