In this blog article, we take a question from a reader of our Newsletter, “Kelleher Connections”, and have our lead Relationship Coach at Kelleher, Julianne McGowan respond:
This month, Katherine from San Francisco asks:
“I am really struggling with finding someone that I feel is up to my standards. Sometimes they check a lot of boxes, but I always find something. Any advice on what to do? I don’t want to lower my expectations, but I feel I may be getting in my own way.”
From Julianne:
Recognizing this pattern is an important first step.
I encourage you to get curious about what happens when you “always find something.” You can maintain high standards while still leaving room for unexpected surprises and people who enter your life for a purpose.
Start by reflecting on what your standards are rooted in:
– Was this pattern formed at an early age?
– When did you first experience it?
– What is the history behind it?
Core qualities like kindness, respect, emotional maturity, shared values, and consistency are essential for a healthy relationship. Other preferences, however, may deserve some flexibility.
Ask yourself: “Is this something that would truly affect our ability to build a loving partnership, or is it just different from what I pictured?” Sometimes finding a flaw can be a subconscious way to protect ourselves from the vulnerability of getting close to someone. It is worth exploring if that resonates with you.
Try bringing your attention back to your actual experience with the person:
– Do you feel heard, respected, and comfortable being yourself around them?
– Is there enough attraction and curiosity to get to know them further?
You don’t need to map out an entire future after just one date. Give yourself permission to discover who someone is beyond the boxes they check. The goal is to choose a partner with whom you can build a meaningful relationship, while staying aware of what might be getting in the way of receiving it.
Best,
Julianne
All of our coaches and matchmakers work closely with our clients during their journey with us.
