Everyone has that friend who always seems to date people who are unavailable on an emotional level and are unable to commit. Maybe you are that person. If so, why do you think you do it? Many times it can be that it’s an unconscious decision and at other times it may be quite purposeful as a defense mechanism or other behavioral protective measure based on your relationship history.
Perhaps the issue lies in the fact that you secretly want to be independent and you don’t make yourself available. The fear of losing yourself to another individual is quite common. Self worth and believing that you are truly worthy of being loved are also factors. True intimacy and commitment have a very difficult time taking root and growing if there are layers of unresolved issues keeping you from it.
“One of the reasons people are drawn to emotionally unavailable partners can be due to the role models they had for romantic relationships as they grew up.”
Says Amber Kelleher, CEO of Kelleher International. “Think about your relationships with family and friends and how these may have informed your idea of what a relationship should be like. If they weren’t healthy, make the decision to not repeat those mistakes and create a new paradigm.”
Abandonment and betrayal issues are huge hurdles if you haven’t done the inner work to move past these feelings. You would naturally be hesitant to give yourself fully to someone and accept their love in return if you were starting from the place of a lack of trust. What’s more, unavailable people tend to seek each other out and the cycle just repeats. Dating apps are rife with people like this, serial daters that aren’t looking for a lasting relationship.
“The work our matchmakers and coaches do around making sure our clients are available is an integral and amazing part of the Kelleher experience”, says Jill Kelleher, founder of Kelleher International. “If we find that a person isn’t ready for the journey of finding the one, we can start them on a coaching track that gets them ready to be available for finding true love.”
Some of what’s keeping us from committed relationships can be simple avoidance and excuse making.
We might feel that we have more work to do on ourselves before someone can love us. “If I lose 10 more pounds, when I finish this big project, if the kids were older, if I had more time….” None of these things matter when we are truly ready to share ourselves completely.
In order to engage fully in emotional intimacy it may be necessary to take a deep dive inward and see if you are your own worst enemy here. Self forgiveness and forgiving others is the only way to let go of the past. Letting yourself off the hook for your perceived shortcomings in past relationships is a necessary step to feeling worthy of someone’s love. It is also time to forgive those that have hurt you. Not for their sake, but for yours, so that you can move on and find love in the truest sense.
When you recognize your true value and you open yourself up to the possibility of meeting that special person to share your life with and truly accept yourself, you will find that person.
You will see the best in each other, and through that, help each other become better versions of yourselves. But first and foremost you must love yourself. Self love is paramount. Be kind to yourself. Know your worth. Appreciate your strengths and your qualities. There is nothing more attractive than a confident person.
At Kelleher International we strive to engage every one of our clients so that they can become the best version of themselves. Through our Kelleher Coaching Program we work with each individual to ensure they are available and ready for commitment.
If you are tired of the run around you’re getting on dating apps from individuals that aren’t available and ready for commitment, contact us today.