Kelleher International Blog

The Vicious Cycle of Relationship Sabotage

Are you bad at dating or is it relationship sabotage?

At Kelleher International, one common complaint we hear a lot from men, in particular, is that they don’t know why their previous relationships failed. Generally, unless something massive happens to end a relationship, it can be challenging to diagnose the fatal flaw. Somehow, a break up occurs, and the guy is left reeling, wondering where he went wrong. 

To shed some light on relationship sabotage, here are some common ways that men may sabotage a romantic connection without even realizing it.

Poor Communication

Communication is a critical area where many people fall short, especially as digital communication eclipses picking up the phone or talking in-person. And this problem is not limited to the younger generation. In fact, “rules” about when to contact someone after a date have been commonplace for decades.

We think simple solutions are the most effective. If you like someone, tell them! Don’t play games and expect things to work out. Also, pick up the phone and call more than you text. This easy activity is a grand gesture anymore. And that will set you apart from the rest.

Vague Responses

Texting is an incredible technology that allows people to easily stay in contact, especially when a phone call or face-to-face meeting is impossible. But one-word responses can be off-putting. If you reply to a text with “okay” or “fine,” you’re basically signaling that the conversation is over. Or that you don’t have time for the exchange.

“It’s okay to be busy,” says Kelleher International CEO, Amber Kelleher-Andrews. “But if you like this person, take the extra few seconds to explain that you’ll connect later when you’re free to respond in earnest. Effort is everything.”

The best rule for communicating via text or instant message? Encourage engagement from the other person, just as you would a conversation in the real world.

Interviewing Your Date

The idea of the romantic interview mostly applies to first dates. Don’t ask your potential match a barrage of questions that are better suited to a job interview. Doing so is a safe bet there won’t be a second date. Don’t make a first date feel like an interrogation. Engage in natural-flowing conversation.

Speaking Without Thinking

Everyone is guilty of blurting things out from time to time. During the early stages of dating while you’re still getting to know your match, it can be severely detrimental. Think before you speak to avoid saying something ill-timed, uncouth, or offensive.

Kelleher International founder, Jill Kelleher, suggests, “Playful banter can be a great way to interact with your new love. You can avoid sticking your foot in your mouth by speaking from a place of love, kindness, and compassion. Don’t make your love interest the butt of the joke.”

Not Speaking Up

If you fail to voice your opinions, you may think you’re acting the part of the strong, silent type. In reality, you might be perceived as an opinion-less doormat, which is a turn-off to someone seeking a true partner.

Don’t be the awkward quiet guy that rarely speaks. Have an opinion and don’t be afraid to share it. But don’t mistake semi-offensive political rants or religious arguments as sharing.  Learn to “read the room,” so you can engage with confidence.

Being Lazy

You might be the hardest working guy at the office, but that’s irrelevant in your romantic relationship. If you slack off when it comes to your love life, you’re going to find yourself out of a job in that department.

You don’t need to make every encounter with your date like something out of a John Hughes’ movie. But you should make a visible effort within the relationship. Always freshen up before a date – no matter if it’s the first date or the fiftieth. Make sure you smell good and look great for your significant other.

We all know married couples that let themselves go when the honeymoon period ends.  Laziness and lethargy can destroy an otherwise fantastic connection. Instead of going down that tragic route, put some effort and exertion into maintaining the relationship.

Allowing the Relationship to Atrophy

Relationship paralysis begins slowly. Far too many couples start with a secure connection but lose interest (thus momentum) as the new wears off. Typically one person checks out of the relationship first, while the other hangs on in radio silence, hoping matters will improve.

It’s okay to change your mind about a relationship. However, be the man that communicates your feelings rather than forcing her to make the break. If you’re not getting what you want or need out of the connection, ask for it!  Be honest; and if it’s still not working out, end the relationship sabotage by letting her know and make a clean break.

The truth about relationship sabotage is that it doesn’t make anyone feel good. It’s a fear-based reaction to vulnerability and connection. Set yourself up for relationship success and end the self-sabotage by calling Kelleher International

Our team of matchmakers can help you find that healthy partnership you’re seeking and coach you through the experiences where you typically trip up. No matter what, we wish you the best of luck in love.