By Danielle Andrews
We tend to meet a promising love prospect with great expectations. Relationships often begin with an incredible sense of hope. We imagine a future of endless potential, filled with love, understanding, and unbreakable connection. But somewhere along the way, many relationships hit turbulence — not because the love disappeared, but because neither partner ever learned how to manage expectations in relationships.
Expectations are natural. We all have them. They help us navigate the world and create meaning. But when left unchecked, especially in relationships, expectations can transform from helpful guidelines into silent, destructive forces. Let’s explore how expectations can derail a relationship — and what we can do to keep a rational check on them.
The Hidden Nature of Expectations
The tricky thing about expectations is that they are often invisible — even to ourselves. We grow up absorbing messages about what love “should” look like: how often someone should text us, what anniversaries mean, how arguments should be resolved. We internalize these ideas without ever questioning them.
When we enter into a relationship, we carry these assumptions with us like invisible luggage. We expect our partner to just know how to love us, how to behave, how to meet our needs — without having to spell anything out.
But when our unspoken expectations aren’t met, resentment quietly begins to build. Instead of seeing the person for who they are, we start seeing them through the lens of our disappointments.
How Expectations Derail Connection
Here are some of the most common ways expectations can damage a relationship:
- Unspoken Rules Create Resentment
Imagine expecting your partner to bring you coffee every morning, simply because that’s what love looks like to you. But your partner doesn’t know this. So when they don’t show up with coffee, you feel hurt. You might think, If they loved me, they would just know.
But love isn’t mind-reading. When we don’t communicate our needs, but still expect them to be met, we set our partner up for failure. Over time, unmet expectations can accumulate, turning small disappointments into deep resentments.
- Expectations Replace Curiosity with Judgment
When we hold tightly to expectations, we stop being curious about who our partner really is. Instead, we start measuring them against our internal checklist: Are they doing things the way I think they should? Are they meeting my standards?
This mindset shifts the relationship from a space of discovery and acceptance to one of judgment and correction. We stop appreciating our partner’s unique way of loving us and start trying to mold them into our ideal image. Or worse; an imagined mirage of an image based on societal “norms” that most likely don’t even fit our unique dynamic.
Relationships thrive on curiosity, not judgment. When expectations dominate, curiosity dies — and with it, intimacy and acceptance.
- Comparisons Become a Silent Killer
Expectations often come from comparisons: comparing our relationship to a friend’s, to a fantasy, or to a fictional romance on TV. We start thinking, Why doesn’t my partner do that? or Other couples seem so much happier.
These comparisons feed unrealistic expectations and diminish gratitude for what we actually have. They cause us to view our relationships through a lens of lack rather than abundance — focusing on what’s missing instead of what’s present.
- Fear of Disappointment Stifles Authenticity
When we fear disappointing each other, we start performing rather than being authentic. If you expect me to always be cheerful, I might start hiding my sadness. If I expect you to always be strong, I might get angry when you show vulnerability.
This pressure to meet each other’s expectations can suffocate authenticity. Over time, partners may feel like they’re losing themselves just to keep the peace — and that loss of authenticity can make the relationship feel hollow and disconnected.
The Difference Between Expectations and Agreements
It’s important to clarify: not all expectations are bad. Wanting respect, honesty, and kindness in a relationship is healthy. But there’s a crucial difference between expectations and agreements.
- Expectations are silent. They assume compliance without discussion.
- Agreements are spoken. They are conscious decisions made by both partners.
For example, expecting your partner to call when they’ll be late without ever discussing it is an expectation. But sitting down and agreeing that you’ll both text if you’re running late turns it into a clear, mutual agreement.
Clear communication transforms assumptions into shared understandings. It brings both people into the conversation, giving them the chance to say yes — or to negotiate something that works for both sides.
So How Can We Manage Our Expectations in Relationships?
- Identify Them
Often times, we’re not even conscious about what our many expectations are. How many times to you hear this question during a heated argument: “WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?”
Ask yourself, What am I expecting right now? And secondly, Is it realistic? Naming it helps bring it out of the shadows. If you expect your partner to show affection in a certain way, say it out loud — first to yourself, then (if needed) to them.
Write down your list of expectations and ask yourself how rational they are and if you, yourself could reach such a high bar on a daily basis. Do your expectations match the person you’re with or are you in love with some imaginary person?
- Turn Expectations into Conversations
Communication is everything. Instead of assuming something, ask: Can we talk about what we both need around this? Invite your partner into the process. Talk about your perceptions and try to meet eachother where you each currently stand. This builds connection instead of division. Now you have an opportunity to truly see and understand eachother. Discuss how you think things are going and how you can improve as a couple together. This will bring you back onto the same team where you can go from finger pointing to inner reflection.
- Stay Curious About Each Other
Instead of judging differences, get curious about them. Why do they approach this differently than I do? What can I learn about them? Curiosity softens the edges that expectations tend to harden.
- Practice Gratitude
Focus more on what your partner is doing rather than what they aren’t. Appreciation naturally encourages more positive behavior and builds goodwill. Tell them in the moment what you’re grateful for. “Ahhh thank you for the coffee. You remembered just how I like it!”
- Accept That Disappointment is Inevitable
Even in the healthiest relationships, we will sometimes disappoint each other. That’s part of being human. Accepting that your partner cannot meet every need, anticipate every feeling, or fulfill every fantasy, frees both of you to be real, messy, accepting and unconditionally loving.
Final Thoughts: Love Beyond Expectations
At their core, most damaging expectations are born from fear — fear of not being loved, fear of not being enough, fear of losing connection. But when we use expectations to try to control love, we suffocate the very thing we crave most.
Real love grows not in a garden of rigid expectations, but in the wild field of acceptance, communication, and grace. It thrives when we give each other the freedom to be fully seen, heard, and known — even when that looks different than we imagined.
When we replace silent expectations with open-hearted conversations, relationships have the chance to move beyond performance — and into profound, enduring connection.
If you’re still looking for that special someone to share your life with give Kelleher a call today! Our talented matchmakers are ready to get to work finding your customized match.
